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Jaz's First Letter

Jaz must have stared at that blank page with a hungry, blinking cursor for a million years. At least - It felt like it. They had never written a letter, nor had anyone ever taught them how to, so Jaz was at a complete loss here. Finally, Jaz decided to take a look around the rest of the site, hoping they would have a tutorial on writing pen pal letters.

After a while, Jaz stumbled into the "help" Section, and there it was - "How to Write A Letter". Jaz read their sample letter several times, then went to hit that scary "send message" button, only to notice that their message inbox link was still glowy. Had they missed something in their hurry to read the acceptance letter?

Jaz clicked it, and sure enough - there was another message there below the "read" welcome notice. With a gasp, Jaz noticed that the "sender" name read "Aguila." It was from their new pen pal!!

Nervously, Jaz clicked on it, and read through the letter. Then.. read it again. A new friend. One who was still questioning their identity... and Jaz certainly remembered that part. AND - even better, they had siblings, so they would be able to relate (hopefully?) to Jaz's large and crazy family. Reading it through a third time, Jaz finally was getting some ideas of what to say - so they clicked on the "New Message" button, selected Aquila's name in the box, and - once again - stared at the blinking cursor.

Slowly, haltingly, the words came. Then, once started, Jaz just couldn't stop them.

Dear Aguila,

Hi! I read your letter, and I am so excited to get to know you that I can hardly think of where to start.

I also have siblings. A lot of them. My oldest brother is actually in jail at the moment. Which, I suppose, was inevitable eventually - he's always been into stealing things. My other two older brothers - are as different as they can be. One seems to hate me now because I'm non-binary, which I truly don't understand. I hope some day he will come around, but he's so hateful - I just don't know it will ever happen. The other brother is the smarty-pants of the family. He's always been into learning and stuff like that, and now that he's a teenager, I will not be surprised to hear he's excelling in high school. I say "hear" ... well, because we don't live together anymore. It's a long and complicated story, but I'm in foster care now, and all my brothers (except for the oldest) live in different foster families in different neighborhoods. The only ones of us that are still together are my two youngest brothers, who are still toddlers, and are twins. I miss them terribly. I hope all of them have been given homes that are as good as the one I find myself in. My new foster parents are really amazing, and I don't have to worry about food or a place to live anymore. My Dad disappeared, you see, after doing some not-so-nice things and finding success because of them. And Mom - I don't know where she is, either. She's going to have a baby soon, too, I think. So another brother or sister for me. I wonder which it will be... and if I'll ever get to meet them.

Well, that's a lot about my family, and not very much about me. I feel weird calling myself Caelan, but I guess using real names just isn't safe, so that's why I didn't use my brothers names, either. I got the name from a book on my foster parents' bookshelf, and I thought it sounded neat, too. As for my identity, I'm non-binary. I was born a girl, then grew up in a house full of brothers... and nobody ever bothered to teach me to be a girl, so... I don't think I've ever wanted to be one or felt like I was. I mean - I know I'm not a boy... but I don't want to be a girl either. So I guess I'm somewhere in between. Which I only recently found out is OKAY. I don't have to choose one or the other. So... I won't. Although, being different isn't exactly always a good thing. Some people just don't understand - like my brother - and just seem to hate what they don't understand. I mean, I don't really understand it all right now, either, but I figure I have lots of time left to learn it. So, I really understand the "questioning your identity" stage. I'm glad to have a friend who can also understand it.

I don't have a good picture of me just now, but I'll make sure I take a good selfie for the next letter. I'm sorry I don't have one, but I just got a new hairstyle thanks to my foster Mom, and I haven't really taken any pictures of me since.

Hm.. let's see... What do I like? I guess I'm still learning that. I'm enjoying being creative now that I have access to real art supplies, and my foster Mom is letting me take lessons to hopefully learn to play a violin for the school orchestra, which is exciting. I have good grades, and homework always seems pretty easy, and I love playing chess with my best friend. I usually win, but he doesn't seem to mind, and I don't want to have him get mad if I just let him win. That doesn't seem fair. I love that you like Selvadorada. I hope you are able to travel there someday. I like traveling, too. Seeing new places. Even though I haven't been to many new places - they have just made me want to see more. I also like being outdoors, and playing on a jungle gym or a swing-set is my idea of a good day.

Well, I guess I should wrap this up. This was supposed to be a short get-to-know-you letter, but once I started it was hard to stop. Do you have any questions for me? I am glad your friend showed you this website. My therapist is the one who wanted me to sign up, but I am not sorry I did.

Hoping to hear from you again soon,
Caelan

Wrapping up the letter, and reading it for mistakes, Jaz finally pushed the send button. Realizing it was getting pretty late, They signed out and closed the website, and tried to be quiet as they climbed up the stairs so as not to wake up their siblings, who had already gone to bed and were probably trying to sleep. Sneaking past Penny, who seemed to be asleep in the light from the nightlight, Jaz quickly changed into PJs, put their clothes in the laundry basket, and climbed under the covers. Sleep came quickly, and - luckily - the monster didn't come back.

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